Do you ever find yourself hiking up a trail, or even just walking along the sidewalk when suddenly you lift your head and think, “Where the heck am I and how did I get here. An more importantly where am I going and why?” No? Just me? A more relatable analogy is when you leave one room set out to do a task, arrive in the kitchen and immediately forget what you went in there to do. It’s called the “Doorway Effect”. Yes, there is a name for it. These days, I feel like I am experiencing the “Doorway Effect” way too often – almost daily and not just when it comes to menial tasks but in matters of existence. Why am I here? What am I doing? Why do I get up everyday, go to work, come home, go to bed. Why do I work? Why do I study? Why are there only migrant workers in that blueberry field? What is community and where the heck is it? I envy those that openly and gratefully accept the systems, culture, and institutions which comprise our society because the fact of the matter is, it all seems disjointed if you ask me. Things have gotten too noisy, too busy, too shiny and I couldn’t even tell you what direction I am headed in anymore.
Reason 523 for why Cambridge was so great: it is a town of optimism and wonder. It is a University city and so naturally, you are surrounded by students. Granted they all go through their own existential crises at some point during the course of their studies but for the most part, they are first and foremost thrilled to have even been accepted into the university and excited about what doors may open for them as a result, nevermind the part where they realize that they are completely inadequate and will never be as smart as their supervisor.
We, being Ben and I, were no different. We had hope. We knew it might not be easy and it might not happen right away, but we had hope. And then we walked through a door and here we are, one year later – everyday, the world lets me down. I have always had trouble swallowing the reality of this earthly life and by this I mean not just my own circumstances but the above mentioned, the systems, culture, and institutions, which comprise our society but lately, my confusion and disappointment have been swollen, perhaps by our circumstances.
I watched Cloud Atlas last night (I’m maybe ¾ of the way through the book) and while like all good novels, the movie left you wanting I appreciated the clarity with which they ended the movie.
Essentially, why fight the system in the name of truth, if you know you will never win [here on earth]?
It is the question that I wrestle with everyday.
Because our hope is not in what is seen but what is unseen. Some seasons it is easier to remember this than others. But my question is, what do we do in the meantime?
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