I read an article recently, entitled, “Go where you are celebrated, not just tolerated.” The title says it all, really, and while I want to subscribe to this little tidbit, I know that it is not what Jesus would do. I should say that I write this knowing that some of those who simply tolerate me will read it and I can’t be completely sure that I write it not for them, but as an encouragement for those people who, perhaps feel the same as I do. I have often wondered if it is just me but as I was watching the final season of Downton Abbey (I know, I am so behind) and got caught up in the story, my affiliation to the characters shifted (one of the rules of screenplay writing is that every character be relatable in real life). You see, throughout the show I have often found myself relating to the Dowager, played by Maggie Smith. She is quick-witted and always needs to be proper and right. Her quips are lines I could picture myself saying, as could my husband but in the last season, I wondered if I was more like Thomas Barrow, a footman. While Barrow can be conniving, something I can confidently say I am not, he tries to start anew each time a new staff member comes to the house and yet is hated by most. Carson, the butler, also teeming with propriety, is always taking shots at him and the pressure is on for Barrow to find a new job – there is no secret about it. Barrow eventually succumbs to the insults, despite being a good servant, and tries to take his own life – an attempt, which is unsuccessful.
I have been told my whole life that I have a bad personality. Not by all, but by the bold few. I am a classic INTJ (Mastermind or Scientist). The only problem is that my personality is compounded by life events, which have required thick skin and, on a completely superficial level, my appearance. This combination of factors makes me extremely intimidating to most people at first meeting. I can come across as snobby, especially in a large group because I don’t like large groups and want to retreat into myself or the nearest corner. It also means that while I say things exactly as I mean them, people often read into them and take simple statements as insults. I hurt people without meaning to and often without even being aware of it but the truth is, I am anything but malicious. I hate no one and am quite content to disagree (my convictions are strong), no harm taken, no grudge held. Inevitably however, eventually, someone comes out and tears a strip off of me for my poor behavior. What I think they often forget however, is that just because I come across as confident and black-hearted, I do still have feelings and when something like that happens, I want to isolate myself and cut off the world yet again. It’s too hard. Despite endless efforts to soften my tone, include multiple salutations and passive language, such as: “perhaps”, “maybe”:, or you “may want to consider”, or go to events when I would rather cuddle up at home with a book, I always, surely come across poorly and with mal-intent to certain personalities.
I am sure Barrow felt the same way and Carson, like so many others seemed to forget that Thomas had feelings. When Carson learns of Thomas’ suicide attempt he quotes the title of John Donne’s beloved poem, “No Man is an Island.” There are many insinuations that could be taken from this quote, but I see it as the realization that no matter how undesirable Barrow was, he was still human and in being human, connected with the rest of humanity. No man should live in isolation.
Recently, I have also been reading, Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. In this short little publication, Bonhoeffer speaks of how community should not be taken for granted. You see, Bonhoeffer wrote Life Together whilst involved in an underground seminary in Nazi Germany. In North America, we dwell in an unique pocket of history unlike many before. We are comfortable, relatively safe, free to dream and believe it is our right to be in community only with those we see fit. We work endlessly to fashion communities that suit our vision and our ideals. One of Bonheoffer’s main points however, is that community is not something we create. “It is a gift of God we cannot claim…Christian brotherhood is not an ideal which we must realize; it is rather a reality created by God in Christ in which we may participate.” (I wrote a post on this, which you can find here.)
Quite on the contrary, Joel Osteen said, “Don’t try to convince anyone that you’re a good person. Quit trying to win someone over who isn’t kind but only tolerates you–you don’t need their approval. Be kind, be respectful, but you don’t have to stay… go where you are celebrated. Keep living forward and trust that the right people are there. You never need convince anyone to love you.” In one way, I believe he is right. I don’t have to convince people to love me but if we look at the life of Jesus, he was never where he was celebrated and yet, never tried to convince anyone that he was a good person, only that he was the Son of God. He got two days to be celebrated (his birthday and Palm Sunday) but most of the time, he was rejected because he spoke truth. My maid of honour at my wedding said in her speech, that I pursued truth more than anyone she knew then she told me she couldn’t be friends with a person like me.
In my “community”, I am more often tolerated, as opposed to celebrated and yet, I can’t help but wonder if that is good enough reason to leave. I feel as though they want me to leave or, should I choose to stay, I must conform to their ideals. The only problem with that is that, in doing so, they would not see my contributions as meaningful. It is almost like my personality is a handicap and like so many individuals with disabilities, I am undesirable as a result. Inclusion, however, means recognizing that EVERY PERSON has something to contribute and EVERY PERSON is to be celebrated, not just tolerated.
Building healthy happy communities is not about filtering out the undesirables. It is about seeing each person as a part of the greater continent with a meaningful contribution.
“No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man’s death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.” – John Donne
Lyrics for Black Flies by Ben Howard can be found here.
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5 Comments
I actually have a weakness for INTJs – I actually deeply respect their honesty and tell it like it is persona but as we both know- I’m only good if we can constantly communicate with each other or else I get baffled as an InFJ ( both of actually are a good match generally friendship wise because of the truth factor and both feeling alienated ) my best friend is an INTJ and so is my son . We have to have continual communication to avoid misunderstanding but then we are good ? I think any combo works with loving communication but then it also truly does come down to time energy and space. As someone whom has made your life difficult at points in this way and vice versa – I can honestly say that I’ve appreciated aspects of the relationship and am sorry for misinterpreting intents or hurts and vice versa. I feel the same as you have spoken but from within my persona.
While there are aspects of this post I would interpret differently and faith parts I don’t apply or see from a different lens – I do believe in the importance of community but with strong boundaries. I actually do think it’s ok to distance from something that isn’t serving either parties. We have limited energy and time is a gift – the innocent children in our care should be first priority- time invested in our marriages is sacred and anything else is secondary – important but secondary. Privacy is also a gift in combo with community.,. It’s a dance and a balance and different rules apply to everyone .
All that to say, I may apply differently from my past and from my lessons and my needs but I also get this … even if it may look vastly different. And I agree that everyone deserves to feel a worthy member of the human race. You are worthy because you exist and I believe that in the very core of my being and still believed that when I deeply disliked some of our interactions and in youth and not knowing whom I was – found things crushing that now I look back on and understand from both contexts and personas. You are a worthy person tfor know and I personally think your INTJ rare woman persona is a bonus – it’s unfortunate tho because there are other complex relations within ours as well as time constraints and past misunderstandings that don’t necessarily make it an optimal give take relationship however, know that I don’t make myself vocal unless I actually care about someone. You are right – it isn’t black and white. Love can be complicated – each one is different and it can be from a distance or with weird boundaries and still be a humanly flawed way of love. I sincerely hope u find a safe small community where u feel respected and valued and then can just treat the rest of the world with the ethics u prefer… not everyone will get it and that’s ok.
I loved this post cuz it appealed to my Infj soul a lot. I’m glad I stoppped by and I always will make my voice heard when I do… because I believe in that honesty too. Thanks for the honest voice in a world that honesty really is such a lonely word …
Thanks, I knew you would appreciate parts of this post and I appreciate that despite the confrontations we can still have these conversations. My friends, and contrary to what it may seem, I do have friends are the ones who have sat beside my bubble until I let them in and then tell me when I’ve offended them. I need that. How can I be sorry if I don’t even know. Constant communications from both sides is so important. Thank you for commenting
This is a wonderful post. It is also extremely relatable to me. I think you and I must be quite similar, personality-wise.
I also have just finished Downton Abbey. I related most to Barrow and Mary and thought their characters were so well done. Mary also seemed to struggle with being torn between being a better person and just not being able to help herself in acting mean or rude.
Thanks Liz, and thanks for letting me know I am not alone. It’s often not pretty, but we have contributions we make to the world that others can’t. Good contributions. I find, I try to bet a better person and then when it fails that’s when the Mary comes out.
Oh Krista, your maid of honor really said that to you?! Oh my word! I don’t care how difficult people can be, you don’t just write them off. That’s just rude.
I can relate a little when you talked about how things you say are misunderstood. I remember being on a women’s retreat more than 30 years ago and finally got up the boldness to speak in front of everyone and people completely misunderstood what I said and began to get angry. I tried my best to explain myself to no avail. It’s happened over and over. Sigh.
And about not being celebrated, it happens to me so often that now I actually laugh out loud. For Administrative Assistant Appreciation Day last year, everyone was taken out for lunch. Except me. Not intentional, just overlooked. A close friend recently celebrated her 60th birthday… and I wasn’t invited. Over the years I’ve come to realize it’s just life. In fact, I’d rather be overlooked, than treated the way Jesus was treated. I know He loves me and He never forgets me. In my mind, every day I remind myself that my relationship with the Lord is THE most important relationship. Besides, this isn’t my life I’m living, it’s His.